Monsey Marriage Coach: Time Heals, but You Can Speed the Process

The pain and suffering caused by the betrayal of a spouse can deeply affect your physical, mental, or spiritual health.

Because of this, healing from these wounds doesn’t happen overnight. You may be recovering for weeks, months, or even years, and everyone is different.

Part of the healing process is accepting the fact that the passage of time is a medicine crucial to easing your transition into wellness. That being said, you shouldn’t just sit around and wait for a single moment of clarity or forgiveness.

Yes, time heals. But if you put in the right kind of work and effort, you can speed the healing process and return to normalcy faster.

I touched on the topic of forgiveness in a book I co-authored called Putting Kids First in Divorce. Below, I’m going to expand on the ideas of recovery, healing, and forgiveness as it relates to betrayal.

Recovery, healing, and forgiveness rely on each other to grow and soothe emotional distress. You simply can’t have one without the other. Recovery is not possible until you confront pain and heal your wounds. And healing is not possible until you forgive the other person for inflicting those wounds.

Unfortunately, these three are often at odds and live at different points of your journey. You may have to wait for forgiveness to catch up to recovery. Or for recovery to catch up with healing.

So what can you do to help the process along?

The key elements of finding and expressing forgiveness include empathy, understanding, and discovering the underlying causes for the actions committed by you or your loved one.

To be clear: there is no excuse for an affair. But I do find that, more often than not, affairs develop out of an unmet need from one or even both spouses.

It takes time to unearth the “why”. Knowledge is power. You need to understand the reasons for the rift and take responsibility for your contribution to it. If you can, it’s a step towards forgiveness and healing.

Finding what triggered hurtful actions may require unearthing past trauma. This is not an easy thing to do. When we experience great pain, we tend to guard ourselves from that pain by trying to forget what happened or burying the pain deep within us.

Forgiveness requires digging through that pain to understand its effects on our actions and behaviors. At first, these connections may not be completely clear. Humans are complex beings that often act out in ways that don’t seem to make sense. But in time, the connections will reveal themselves, and you may continue on your journey.

In these moments of rediscovering great pain, you may feel like your healing has come to a full stop, or that you have gone backward in your process. Don’t give in to these feelings, but do remember to be patient with yourself.

Forgive yourself for the moments when you need to experience times of sadness and take moments of rest. Be gentle with yourself. When the time is right, you will discover what you need to forgive and heal.

The key is to keep working for it – and you will get there.

Rooting for you!

Sara Freed

www.SaraFreed.com